Grief and loss

Many different kinds of loss

Loss can feel engulfing and isolating. Although it’s often considered a shared or universal experience, we each feel loss in deeply personal ways that can make us feel disconnected from even those who share in our grief. It can also have a deep impact on who we are. In loss, we redefine several important parts of lives, such as our relationships, our values, and our sense of self. Sometimes, we don’t allow ourselves to feel the full weight of a loss until many years later, and it can take us by surprise. There are many different kinds of loss, and below are just a few examples…

Death of a loved one

The death of a loved one—such as a partner, a family member, or a pet—can hit hard. It takes time to accept their absence. You might find yourself still trying to call them on the phone or set a place at the table for them, only to be painfully reminded that they are no longer there in your life. The death of a loved one can be especially hard when others are also mourning their loss. Everyone has their own ways of processing grief. Maybe you want to talk about your loved one, tell stories, and look at old photos… or maybe you feel that it’s too painful to talk about them, that you’d rather try to move on. Conflict can arise when friends or family members have different ways of processing grief, creating new tensions within relationships over what is “the right way” to grieve.

The death of a loved one can also feel like the death of a part of yourself. We share different sides of ourselves with different people, and when someone close to you dies, you may feel as though you have lost that side of yourself that only they knew. Part of working through the grief can involve reconnecting with that side of yourself.

Divorce and separation

Divorce and separation are a unique form of loss in that the person you are grieving is, in a sense, still there… but they may feel like a completely different person than the one you met all those years ago and shared a life with. The process of separating can be intensely draining, both emotionally and financially. Tensions are heightened, and you may begin to seriously question your judgment and your other important relationships.

Retirement

People often look forward to retirement and expect those who retire to feel overjoyed about their new situation. The reality is that retirement can be challenging. We spend much of our waking hours at work and often define ourselves by our career. At cocktail parties, the second question after “What’s your name?” is typically “So, what do you do for work?” When you no longer have that anchor, you may feel lost and confronted a sense that you need to find a new way to define who you are in the world.

Lost opportunities

Sometimes the loss of opportunities feels sudden and dramatic, such as with illness or injury. Sometimes it can feel gradual, such as with aging. These changes often force us to reconsider what we can do with our lives. This can be a difficult, emotional process which not only involves redefining our hopes values, but also grieving the opportunities we have lost.

But this kind of grief isn’t always over future opportunities. If you had a difficult childhood, you may be mourning the loss of past opportunities. It can be painful to live with a sense that everything could be different if you had only had those opportunities everyone else seemed to, or that you missed out on something time-critical and life-changing.